Cheater post, just texts.

• What is plan tonight? Just got home from jail. Need a nap.
• Loudly clicking clock in waiting room at HIV testing site is a bad idea.
• Sharon, part of our flight crew, is going person to person introducing herself.
• Sharon is gunning for flight attendant of the month award obviously.
• Now. You, me, Dr. Mario.
• Whiskey in coffee 9am at Clooney's. We will bring our own mugs.
  

We're all rope and no neck

I was on call today to make up for missing class last week and I totally didn't get called on. I did, however, spend the entire class holding my breath because honestly I have no idea what is happening.

Yesterday I met with someone in jail. And so I spent a fair amount of time last night dealing with that. I haven't had clients in a while; last semester I worked at an impact litigation place and spoke with people only over the phone and last summer I was stuck in a sweltering office in India doing busy work. And I think that the lack of contact with clients has really been affecting me. More than usual I've been having huge crises about what I'm doing with my time and how much I hate law. Working directly with someone yesterday helped ground me a little, I think, because it reaffirmed that people really need help protecting themselves against the state and the state's legal system. Even though I cried myself into exhaustion, I definitely need to have direct client contact if I'm going to do this work. Today I'm exhausted and have a headache, but I don't feel that I've completely wasted three years as much.

The person I cried around told me I needed to toughen up (nicely), that I had to find some way to have thicker skin so I didn't sob myself into exhaustion every night. And, while that it is true that I can't go through that every night, I also don't want to lose the part of me that is so emotional and raw about this stuff. I mean, I definitely am able to compartmentalize things and hold my shit together when working with clients. I can think rationally rather than emotionally and play puzzle games with people's lives and legal problems. But, it doesn't stay compartmentalized. And I think in order to do that I would have to kill some part of me. Or at least something would be lost. I mean, yes, I have to be able to do my job, and no, I can't get so emotionally invested in every case and every person that I die at the end of the day. But, what makes me do this is the fact that it all matters so fucking much to me. And I don't want there to be a day when I'm so jaded and tuned out that what made me cry yesterday doesn't have the same effect. Of course, I just put together this whole series on avoiding burnout and self care and I know that it can be overwhelmingly emotionally taxing. But, beyond that, I was this person before law school and I want to be this person afterwards - not someone whose emotional response to things has been shut off. Again, although I'm exhausted and my head hurts today, I feel better about this whole law school thing than I have in a really long time. I hope I'm always as big a pansy as I am now.

Differently:

Earlier this week I went to a meeting about domestic violence and immigrant communities. I knew the DA was going to be represented, but what I didn't know was that it was going to be the person who freaked out on me in class demanding to know if I wanted to live next to drug dealers who shot me and ranting that I don't pay taxes (which: shhhh). When I got there this person hadn't yet arrived and pre-meeting we were all making small talk. When I told one of the attendees that I wanted to do anti-prison work she gave me a copy of CR's winter newsletter The Abolitionist. When the DA who hates me came in the only available chair was next to me and I had The Abolitionist in front of me. It totally looked like I was bating her.

Notes from the playground

I was on-call in my class this morning. For this class we have to volunteer to be on-call for two days and, when we are on-call, must be prepared to answer the professor's obscure questions about the readings. I was rather behind in the readings for this class so have worked quite hard the past few days to catch up and make sure I was prepared. And I totally was. I stayed late last night preparing and was dreading that I was only going to be able to get 6.5 hours of sleep. Not to worry. I didn't set my alarm and was woken up by a car alarm on the street at 8:40. 5 minutes after class started. My commute is at least an hour. There was no way I could make it to class. I emailed the professor that I have the plague and now have to sign up for another day. Which means I'm going to have to continue doing my reading, something that really doesn't work with my plan for the rest of the semester. And seriously, my throat does hurt and I'm exhausted. I think I really am coming down with the plague. Again, not something that really fits into my plan for the semester.


Texts sent yesterday regarding school:

- There are two bros playing volleyball in the courtyard lawn. One's shirt says 'work hard play hard'. I hate my school.

- Am now in cafe eating lunch. A girl on the couch has her feet up on a coffee table. No shoes.

Now all these tastes improve with the view that comes with you

You know how toddlers totally act like assholes right before they take some gigantic developmental leap forward? Like the kid will be a complete pain and you'll want to die and then it'll do theoretical math or something and all of its assholery was because its brain was freaking out to get ready to do that? Yeah, I have that a bit in reverse. So, I'm a little smitten with this one kid right now and things are awesome and he is awesome and I like being near him. Sounds uncomplicated. Only every time we agree to do something new, something that I want (like leaving a toothbrush at his house), a few hours later I'll go through an absolutely obnoxious asshole phase where I hate everyone and everything. Thankfully I'm pretty good at sequestering myself and explaining to people that I need to be allowed to stomp and pout and throw a temper tantrum on my own, away from civilized society. Then, once my brain finishes freaking out I can go back to being normal, content with whatever developmental step forward I've made with him.